What is a   "COMMUNITY IN RECOVERY" ?

What is a "COMMUNITY IN RECOVERY" ?

Community is defined as a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common; a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

At Purple, there is a group of men; all of whom are unique. Varying environments, cultures, experiences, and situations have shaped who they are, how they behave, and their specific attitudes towards themselves and their surroundings. Under normal circumstances, most of them would not choose to be around one another. However, these men come to treatment and find themselves in a situation which contradicts their lifestyles and belief systems. It is a situation that would be extremely difficult to navigate alone, but together it is possible.

I am enthralled when I see guys from all walks of life form a bond and accomplish something as powerful as sobriety. Community is a basic principle behind 12 step programs and the aggregate of Purple. Through community our clients learn about service, communication, trust, honesty, team work, and how to use one another’s strengths to solve difficult issues that arise in treatment.

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"An Old Acquaintance of Mine"

"An Old Acquaintance of Mine"

 An old acquaintance of mine, who was s sometimes a constant companion, used to show up in my life quite often. Without failure, he was there every time my phone rang late at night, when I couldn't get a hold of my son, when I'd hear the ambulance racing down the road near me, when I got a call from the police, or when my neighbor showed up asking about some stolen money. My old companion's name is F.E. A. R. For a very long time, I could not manage FEAR, although I tried many times. When FEAR was around, I tried relentlessly to control outcomes. Could I have controlled my son's escalation of drug use? Could I control his leaving the house late in the evening to ransack our neighbors' cars and garages? Could I have controlled his use of drugs the night before his probation visit? No, I could not. 

Most recently, I couldn't help but notice that FEAR had showed up at our workshop, although I had not invited him. I could sense that our community of family members were trying to manage him, just like I had. However, a very important message was conveyed by our staff, but most especially, by the three alumni who shared their experience, strength and hope. We were reminded that we are powerless over addiction and all of our attempts to manage our son's recovery had only left our lives more unmanageable. We were told to rethink our approach and accept that "normal thinking doesn't apply".

So, how can we stop FEAR from showing up so frequently? By attending meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and building a community of support around us. We heard from these three young men how important it is to build a life that is attractive to us, not to our loved ones. That's not our responsibility.

Over the years, I have learned that it's a daily process, where some days will be better than others. Now, I don't see much of my old companion any more. I use my new tools to keep him away. I don't miss him, either. 

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Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Time and again, family members come into Purple seeking help for a client whose life has spiraled out of control and has put tremendous stress and pressure on the family. These tired, weary and scared families typically convey the same general message, "We've tried everything and nothing has worked, so it's time for something to change". Without knowing anything different, the family refers to the client as that "something" that needs changing; not realizing that they too need to change. 

While it is true that the client will need to work hard to change his life, the reality is family members need to work also to embrace the process of change. Why? You
see, an old adage, "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes" is often used to describe families that can't seem to get off the roller coaster ride that the addictive behavior of someone they love has put them on. They plunge forward with the false belief that "one more try and I'll get control of this situation", eventually leaving them more exhausted, frustrated, hopeless and angry. They know they need to get off the roller coaster, but simply do not know how. 

“Adding To Your Own Bank” - A Father's Story 

“Adding To Your Own Bank” - A Father's Story 

"As you know, I almost did not attend Purple Family Weekend. My son seemed to be progressing well in his transition from Purple, so I didn’t “need” to go to any kind of family rehab workshop. But you called me to follow up and just your personal invitation made me change my mind and I decided Wednesday night before the weekend to attend.

Then the following day, I was told that my son had relapsed and that things were not good. So I attended the Family Workshop and it was a great day. I learned more that day of how to work on ME, and reminders that I need to do all I can do to help me so that I can better help my son in his addiction. The support of everyone there understanding what I was dealing with in his relapse was comforting, supportive, and helpful. I heard parents talking about how they literally acted out lifting their child to God during the middle of the night, how they repeated the Serenity Prayer over-and-over in the middle of the night in order to deal with the worry of not knowing if your loved one was going to live thru this addiction. One of the leaders made a point about going to meetings to “add to the bank” so when times do get tough you have that to pull from.

Little did I know that I would need ALL of this and more in a few short hours. I headed to see my son after the meeting hoping to get him to agree to go to Detox as I heard he was doing heroin. When I got to his house, he would not come out and see me because he was so messed up and said he would go to detox on Sunday. I chose to wait in a nearby hotel and that night was filled with chaos and phone calls as I received hourly updates to all the crazy crap they were doing at the house. They were getting high, fighting, just all kinds of stuff I was hearing that was intensifying the anxiety and worry. I wasn’t asking for the updates, I was just getting pulled into the chaos. Upon hearing that they were leaving to acquire more drugs, I called the police and gave a description of his car hoping to have them arrested so they can’t hurt someone else or themselves. After the call to the police, you sit and wait. That is when your brain goes crazy and sure all the parents know this feeling.

SO I thought about our family workshop meeting and I used some of the things I had heard that day. I literally acted out on holding him up to God and giving him to God, I said the Serenity prayer over and over and these things did help me calm down. I couldn’t go to sleep, but I wasn’t going crazy. At about 3 AM, I get a call from my son had overdosed on heroin and he was in an ambulance- not breathing. I asked his roommate if I came to the house, would he please drive me to the hospital because I couldn’t go down there by myself if he was dead? On the way, I got a call from a girl that said he was breathing and was alive. My son had received 3 units of Narcan from the paramedics to save his life. He had stopped breathing and they did CPR on him until the ambulance arrived. After being released from the hospital, he entered a detox facility and eventually entered a 30 -day program before returning to Purple.  

I just wanted to share how much the Family Weekend helped me, how much the Purple staff, clients, parents and alumni helped me during all this. One of the clients who has only been at Purple for a month helped me drive my son’s car back from downtown Atlanta and was so helpful and supportive. Thank you for all that you do and I know we don’t understand all the work that goes on to host a Family Workshop. I can only tell you that it made a huge difference in my life to help me cope with something that I hope no one ever has to go through.

And for parents like me that not sure if you should attend or if you “need” to attend, you make a huge difference as well. You may say something like you did on that day that can really help someone in need. SO I encourage all parents to continue taking time to attend these workshops because you not only bank health for yourself, but you help others at the same time!  We continue to need your prayers and thoughts and support and I am here for anyone that I might can help in any way!!”

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"Tag You're It"

"Tag You're It"

Last May, Campbell Manning of Hope for Families, shared her own personal story of dealing with her sons' addictions and she introduced the phrase "Tag You're It!" as the premise for the way parents or other family members approach the shifting of responsibility to others, especially children. Just like the childhood game, one person is "it" and he or she does his or her best to tag another participant, who then becomes the new "it." As you know, no one wants to be "it" for long, so they quickly seek to tag someone else to release the responsibility.

Often times, the parent or loved one of an addict become the "IT" and soon find their hands tied behind their backs, accepting all responsibility for the addictive behavior, mostly in an effort to fix it or control it. 

In Campbell's experience as mother and addiction counselor, declaring "Tag You're It" is crucial to stopping the cycle of enabling, rescuing, blaming, and codependency. Symbolically, it's time to "tag you're it" by passing on the responsibility to the addict.

Instead of reacting, take action. Are you one who says your phone is always ringing with requests, complaints, or blaming? "Tag You're It!" by setting limits and boundaries. Are you still on the emotional roller coaster of codependency? "Tag You're It" by helping the addict move toward recovery. Remember,it gets better ONLY when the addict wants it, regardless of how much the family may long for the changes. Look at your role - Are you standing in the way? Do you find it extremely painful to watch the addict struggle even though progress is being made? "Tag You're It" by refusing to relieve the pain by enabling.

Recovery begins when the addict takes responsibility for their situation and decides to improve things. For family members, recovery begins when you make the choice to accept the powerlessness over the disease of addiction.

"Tag You're It" simply means releasing someone else's responsibility, which is essential to allowing that person to grow and change.  

What are you MORE of or LESS of after being on this journey of recovery?

In recovery, we seek more meaningful relationships and spend less time with those who are stuck on frivolous things of little importance. We become much more accepting and less judgmental. We become more willing to ask for help and listen to what others are saying and less likely to try to fix or control. On our journeys, we seek to find serenity and happiness even though someone we love may be suffering. We become more focused on our recovery and Less focused on someone else's.

Applying the slogan "Let it begin with ME" is about being responsible for our own actions and stop focusing so intently on what those around us say, do, feel, and instead put the focus on ourselves. In your own quiet time, what would you say that you are MORE of or LESS of? Take some time to reflect on that and write it down to look back on later in your own journey.

3 questions about gratitude:
What surprised you today? What inspired you today? What touched your heart today? We encourage you to take time to reflect on questions to bring the focus back on those things YOU can control. Lastly, Campbell recited these words from a Cat Stevens' song :

"But take your time, think a lot
Why think of everything you got
For you will be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not"

Loving someone with an addiction; It's not about being tough

Loving someone with an addiction; It's not about being tough

What is tough love? Is tough love really about being tough? When is a time that you felt that tough love was needed ? These are the questions our family group discussed to explore the topic of "tough love". 

Loving someone with an addiction can sometimes be tough, but it's still love. It requires taking action to avoid protecting or rescuing them from consequences of their choices. The toughest part of this kind of love is be courageous enough to set limits and boundaries on bad behaviors that have put a strain on the family relationships.

The goal is to bring about change in a firm, but loving way, while focusing on providing yourself, and all family members, with a healthy, safe environment that promotes responsible behavior.

"Tough Love" is really about courage. As the Serenity Prayer says:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.   

Be Courageous!

Connection is the Cure to Addiction

Connection is the Cure to Addiction

Amber Hollingworth, a Master Addiction Counselor from Hope for Families, presented an engaging lecture which addressed some of the underlying conditions that make a person more vulnerable to developing an addiction. From the brain perspective, there is the down regulation of several important brain chemicals(endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin) and people often use substances to make up for these deficits in neurochemicals, especially when they experience some sudden loss, like death, divorce, major injury, loss of dream, etc. The substance abuse often progresses to addiction, where disconnections with others often follow. Without connection, the disease will continue to progress as all humans are made to connect with each other.

In treatment, the best way to help heal these deficits is to help clients reconnect with others. With new, positive connections, the brain chemicals naturally begin to rebalance making it easier for the individual to address their depression, anxiety, trauma, ADD, or grief. Addressing these things helps to jump start and strengthen the recovery process and maintain sobriety. Luckily, when people engage in recovery programs, support groups, and treatment, this natural process almost immediately begins to help heal the brain. The connection to others is a major change factor! Thus the reason that addiction treatment centers around group therapy and 12-step meeting attendance. It is the process of engaging in these groups that is healing the client.

Amber also provided a different perspective on “tough love.” Instead of pushing the person out of their lives until they “learn their lesson,” she showed how healthy connection is more effective in supporting change. It is true that sometimes family and friends need to distance themselves for their own emotional safety, but the idea of instituting a withdrawal of love as a technique that would make the addict get clean simply doesn’t work.

Grace Through the 12 Steps

Grace Through the 12 Steps

The disease of addiction eases into lives and eventually extinguishes the light of spirituality. As the light slowly fades away, anger, resentment, disappointment, grief, and shame leave everyone in total darkness. 

In recovery, our journey slowly moves us back toward the light making it possible to feel its warmth and flourish in it. Then, and only then, is when we receive God's grace.

Although the following was written from the perspective of an addict, our family members could easily relate to the unveiling of God's grace through the 12 Step Recovery Process.

Through the process of accepting powerlessness and need for spiritual help, we are awakened to GRACE. 

Step One: I received the gift of desperation. God helped me realize that I was powerless over a deadly disease and that I could not manage my life any longer.


Step Two: He gave me the gift of powerlessness over my addictive thinking and behavior. I came to believe that I needed his help to overcome my insanity. 


Step Three: I embedded God's gift of grace into my heart, and saw that without his grace and love, I could never get better. Accepting his will was a big step in my recovery which allowed me to grow my faith.
Step Four: God gave me the gift of courage and forgiveness.And his gifts gave me the strength to forgive those that caused me harm.


Step Five: He gave me the gift of humility when I admitted to him and another human my resentments and my part in them. 


Step Six: He gave me the gift of discovery which allowed me to see the traits of my addictive thinking and to accept that I needed to change these defects of character. 


Step Seven: I received the gift of a desire to change. I admitted that I could not change my addictive thinking on my own and I needed  his help thru this process.


Steps Eight and Nine: I used his gift of humility. He provided me the strength to ask for forgiveness to those I have wronged. I was scared, but though  his grace, I was forgiven.


Step Ten: I received the gift of awareness, honesty and growth. I started doing a  daily inventory to see what I needed to work on and what I was doing well. I realized I had the desire to become a better person. 


Step Eleven: I received the gift of spirituality. As I continued to receive God's gifts, I continued to pray and meditate daily and continued to accept that there are things in my life that I cannot control or do on my own. 


Step Twelve: He provided me the gift of spiritual awakening and a desire to serve. I began to see God's grace working in other recovering alcoholics and addicts. I truly found a desire to volunteer and serve others. In return, I found my purpose in life. 

As the program teaches us, the way to keep the blessings of recovery is to give away the experience to others following along our path. 

Today, may God's grace shine in your life giving you the desire and strength to continue to grow in recovery. 

Dysfunctional Families versus Nurturing Families

Dysfunctional Families versus Nurturing Families

Our last family group took at look at what defines a "dysfunctional" family as compared to a healthy, nurturing one. Active addiction takes a toil on all families and often the family unit becomes fragmented, characterized by dishonesty, denial, and a general lack of respect and trust placing the family into turmoil.

In recovery, we seek to gain back a nurturing family where positive communication is the hub of the wheel. Families are free to talk about feelings, or any subject, in a relaxed atmosphere that promotes growth and encourages individual differences. 

The reality is that most families face addiction without the knowledge and understanding that we gain through recovery. Therefore, reactions are generally from a place of misunderstanding, but most are out of concern, love, and usually desperation, which can easily be viewed as dysfunctional. Dysfunctional can have a negative connotation, so our group consensus is that generally speaking, families do the best they can at the time, on the information they have.

In recovery, we can let go of that label of dysfunctional, and give credit for the many things that we all try to constantly improve in order to be healthier, whole, and nurturing families again! 

"MICHAEL'S CORNER"

"MICHAEL'S CORNER"

In my 9 years of working with addicted people, I have learned that trying to make someone change a behavior is an exercise of futility. I enjoy the challenge of helping people, looking at their behaviors and developing an appropriate path to change. What I try to do when working with clients at Purple is determine where the client is in the stages of change, use conscious raising activities to motivate change, discussing different behaviors/habits that will socially liberate them from temptation, use self-reevaluation that involves cognitive reappraisal of how behavior change is part of one’s identity, and emotional arousal to help maintain the motivation to change. Each client has their own path to recovery and deserves that autonomy with in the structure of the 12 Steps.  


As I interact with clients my primary purpose is to practice empathy, unconditional positive regard, and collaboration rather than confrontation. I have learned that “rolling with resistance” is helpful when working with addicted people. By rolling with resistance, it disrupts any “struggle” that may occur and interactions are less likely to resemble an argument or the client’s playing "devil's advocate" to the counselor's suggestions. The value ofhaving the client define the problem and develop their own solutions- leaves little for the clients to resist.

Michael & Donna's Comprehensive Substance Abuse Assessments

When a family member is using drugs, it affects the entire family making it difficult to confront the drug user. In our assessment process, Donna Gunter meets with family members to assess their readiness to change. Michael Whatley will simultaneously meet with the drug user, assessing their substance use, his/her readiness to change, and obtain a biopsychosocial. Then, everyone will meet together and an appropriate treatment recommendation will be made for the family.

Michael managed the adolescent addiction program at Ridgeview Institute from 2012-2017 where he assessed psychiatric/addicted patients and made appropriate treatment recommendations. He has tuned his ability to help people feel comfortable/trust him with their difficulties in life by being warm, authentic and transparent. Working at Ridgeview Institute He gained a vast knowledge of treatment resources for addicted patients making me confident in helping families find appropriate referrals.

Donna Gunter was educated at The University of Georgia and began a teaching career in the late 70's. When confronted by her own son’s substance abuse problem in the early 2000's she began her personal journey of helping other families. Her final years as a Gwinnett County educator were spent in the counseling office at Brookwood High School. For the last decade, she has been committed to helping families find solutions to their child's substance abuse problem. 

Call Today, Adam will set up your appt. 678-572-6856

Honesty is the Cornerstone of Recovery

Honesty is the Cornerstone of Recovery

Honesty is the guiding principle throughout 12-Step Recovery. It begins with Step One, when one becomes willing to throw open the curtain and shine a light on those roadblocks that are keeping you in denial about the reality of the situation you face. On Saturday, we used the analogy of emptying our pitcher of all these things: guilt, shame, control, enabling, jealousy, anxiety, fear, resentment, frustration, etc. so that we could be honest with ourselves, be open to a power greater than ourselves, and be willing to take certain steps to lay down a solid foundation for recovery. 

Your inability to be honest is usually based on FEAR. The dictionary definition of fear is something likely to be dangerous, painful or threatening. Life may never be completely absent of fear, but recovery gives you the courage to continue in the face of it. How? By looking at what F.E.A.R. usually is- False Evidence Appearing Real or Future Events Already Ruined. These common acronyms remind us to keep our focus on TODAY and avoid busying ourselves with predicting, obsessing, or future tripping. 

Instead, let's look at a new meaning of F.E.A.R.-Face Everything AndRecover. Modeling real honesty opens the door to better communication and builds trust. Having REAL honesty means trusting the process of recovery. Recovery is a long, hard process where rigorous honesty brings about the serenity and peace that you seek. Is is worth it to show up and do the work? Absolutely! 

It's easy for us to see the faults of others - this one isn't being honest or that one isn't letting go. It's not so easy to analyze your own behavior. Getting real with Step Four requires the most rigorous honesty of all. A searching and moral inventory of ourselves leads one to gain insight and strength so that we can grow. So now that we've emptied out our pitcher, what do we want to fill it with? Self-confidence, trust, peace, security, emotional stability, assurance, and hope to name a few from our workshop.  

Being completely honest is a lifelong struggle, but taking the time to look at yourself in regards to honesty, really opens the door to getting real. You have to be honest with yourself, if not, you cannot be honest with anyone else. 

Things Do Not Change; We Change

Things Do Not Change; We Change

How do people change? Over time. With stops and starts, along a crooked line. With practice. With a little help-sometimes a lot of help. With anguish. With effort. With joy. The point is that change is hard for everyone

Over thirty years ago, two psychologists developed the "Stages of Change" model that we use today to help clients and families gain insight into making changes in behaviors. It's important to remember that people do not move between these stages in a straightforward way. Instead, they tend to move back and forth, so it helpful to think of the stages as a spiral rather than a straight line. 
 

Stages of Change

Pre-Contemplation
For you, this stage is sometimes termed "denial". There is a complete focus on trying to change the behavior of the addict and being unaware of any reason to change your own behavior. For the client, they choose to believe that "ignorance is bliss" and aren't aware or even considering their behavior is a problem. The client needs support with self-exploration and personalizing the apparent risks. 


Contemplation
You begin to reflect on your reactions and responses and wondering if they are even helpful. You begin to question your own behavior and begin to explore some alternatives. The client starts considering change and weighing benefits and cost of change; mostly remaining ambivalent by "sitting on the fence". The client receives support with evaluating pros and cons and identifying new, positive outcome expectations. 


Preparation
You decide change is needed upon realizing that nothing else has been helpful.You develop a plan of action while seeking help and support. The client decides to make a change and appears ready to participate. Mostly "testing the waters" and experimenting with small changes. The client receives support with problem solving - overcoming obstacles and small initial steps are encouraged. 


Action
You put your plans into effect. You are evaluating your new behaviors and observing what is working and what is not. You are actively working toward your goals. The client is modifying behaviors and taking action by attending meetings, calling a sponsor, reconnecting with family, getting a job, etc. The focus in on restructuring cues and social support and combating feelings of loss while reiterating long-term benefits. 


Maintenance
Finally, things don't seem so difficult anymore. You see the benefits of changes you've made and are much more intuitive when making decisions. The client has some level of stability and has made a continued commitment to sustaining new behaviors. The old symptoms and behaviors are gone. Establishing a plan for follow-up support, reinforcing internal rewards, and discussing coping with relapse are all part of the support given to clients. 


Relapse and Recycle
Despite best intentions, you slip back into old ways of responding. Don't beat yourself up as this is quite normal. Learn from your mistakes and get back on track. A relapse for a client is not a sign of failure; it is a learning experience and time to evaluate what went wrong in the maintenance plan. A need to evaluate triggers, plan stronger coping strategies, and reassess motivation and barriers are areas the client explores in treatment and aftercare.  

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves". 

For the family, a program of recovery challenges us to change ourselves by learning new ways of coping with our own situations. We change our words, feelings, attitudes, actions and reactions, so that serenity can enter our lives despite problems that may remain unresolved. When we change ourselves, we provide an opportunity for our addicted loved one to also choose recovery. 

The Fine Art of Listening

The Fine Art of Listening

A recent meeting of Purple's family group used the following reading to open a discussion on effective communication, not only in relationship to the client or loved one, but in all life situations.Communication can sometimes be awkward and tense, especially in early recovery. Becoming a good listener is important to developing more open and honest communication. 

READING
 “A common pitfall in listening is the temptation to start mentally preparing our own response; to be sure our “words of wisdom” will be properly heard and understood. When we do that, we are really only half listening, getting ready to convey an opinion. This is closely related to domineering or controlling. The person with whom we’re talking can’t fail to notice our less than total receptivity. That’s when communication begins to break down.

Webster’s definition of listen is “1. To pay attention to, to give ear, hear, tune in: 2. to hear with thoughtful attention, head: 3. to be alert to catch an unexpected sound”

If we want others to listen when we speak, we must learn to listen when they speak. This is important in a one-to-one conversation. We learn much more when we truly listen. It is then that many answers are revealed.Real communication is a two-way system. Failing to listen can be overcome through hard work; the payoff is definitely worthwhile.”

In summary, to become an effective communicator, you need to listen just as much as you need to learn to speak. Whether in a one-to-one conversation or a group meeting, focusing on what others are saying allows you to present yourself more effectively. Let go of paying attention to what you expect to hear and listen to what your loved one tells you. Listening more and talking less are the foundations of healthy communication.

“God gave me two ears and only one mouth” is a very old saying that helps to remind us to be better listeners. 

Know Your Role

Know Your Role

When a family member is addicted, the rest of the family members tend to slip into roles. These roles are "performed" for the safety of the family and to protect each individual from painful truths and actions. Family roles are often difficult to recognize and exceptionally difficult to break out of. Many people carry these roles all of their lives and live then out in school, work and in relationships. Do you see yourself in any of these descriptions?
 

THE ENABLER is the family member who steps in and protects the addict from consequences of his behavior. The motivation for this may not be just to protect the addict, but to prevent embarrassment, reduce anxiety, avoid conflict or maintain some control over a difficult situation. The enabler may try to clean up the messes caused by the addict, makes excuses for him, thus minimizing the consequences of addiction. 


THE HERO is the family member who attempts to draw attention away from the addict by excelling or overachieving with the hope that his/her behavior will help the addict stop using. No matter how bad things get, the hero thinks that the family can look at them and always feel good.  


THE SCAPEGOAT is the person in the family that gets blamed for everything bad that happens in the family. This person creates other problems in order to distract the family from the real issue and thereby allows the addict to continue using. 


THE LOST CHILD is the family member, most often a child, disappears from the scene and ignores the problem completely. Often perceived as the "good child" because much time is spent alone. The lost child does not get involved in family arguments or family discussions. 


THE MASCOT is the family member who attempts to use humor as a means to escape from the pain of the problems caused by addiction. He/she will is the "cute" one or funny one who clowns around, cracks jokes, or makes light of a serious situation and relieves stress or tension by distracting everyone. 

As a family member dealing with addiction, you likely saw yourself in one or more of these descriptions. Although it may be painful, it's important to be aware of your family role and observe how family members try to pull you back into your role. Refuse to play your role! Involving yourself in recovery from co-dependency and enabling will help you define a new, healthier role to play in your family. 

 

Promises of the Program

Promises of the Program

The Twelve-Step program was originated by AA in 1937 with promises of serenity and recognition of how our experiences can help others. AA recovery offers the promises of new freedom and happiness, with no regret for the past, only a respectful remembrance of its lessons. At the conclusion of most 12-Step meetings, members say "It works if you work it, so work it, you're WORTH it"! By working the 12 Steps and attending meetings, we slowly come to realize the last promise of AA "that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves". 

"Why do we go to meetings?

Family members readily shared that meetings have given them hope and strength. They have a place to share without judgement, and by attending meetings they find themselves less judgmental and more accepting. When a new person comes in, they recognize growth in themselves and are willing to share to help others. Most importantly, they are not alone. 
What to do when you are faced with a tough situation and need guidance and renewed hope?

Go To A Meeting

I am grateful for the pioneers of AA and the program which offers Twelve Promises of Recovery for our clients and family members. 

Honesty, Open-Mindedness and   Willingness

Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness

As we move into the new year, Purple would like to share with you what we believe and the Big Book of AA states are the essentials to recovery. The answer to that ageless question “HOW can I find a solution to this problem?” lies in the acronym of H.O.W(Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness). These three principles lay down a solid foundation for recovery, both for the addict in your life and for you.


The principle of HONESTY is the hub of the wheel when it comes to recovery; everything revolves around it.  Without rigorous honesty, recovery simply cannot take place. In the Big Book it states “only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty and genuine humility”.


Being dishonest serves a purpose in the life of an addict and for the family. If the addict stopped lying, they’d have to quit drinking or using drugs and face a shameful pile of hurt they’ve inflicted on the people they love. That’s quite a load to bear, especially for the addict who is complacent about getting sober or who tries to face their past alone. It’s much easier to hide emotions, keep up the double life and continue using. Just as food fuels the body, lies drive addictive thoughts and behaviors. For some, relief from the need to lie is the most attractive aspect of addiction recovery.


For the family members, dishonesty lies mostly in the form of denial. Denial is a mechanism by which we protect ourselves from some threatening awareness about ourselves, someone else, or a situation. Denial clouds one’s ability to recognize the facts or reality of their lives. Most often, it impairs judgment and increases self-delusion. Without honesty, there is no recovery. It requires a valiant effort, but through rigorous honesty, addicts and family members reap a reward that at one time likely seemed utterly impossible: coming to know and love themselves and others, imperfections and all.


The principle of being OPEN-MINDED means being receptive to new and different opinions and ideas. It is a willingness to at least consider that other people have something of value to say. It also means that the individual has enough humility to admit to themselves that they do not have all the answers. Opening up your mind to new ideas allows you the opportunity to change what you think and how you view the world. Now, this doesn't mean you necessarily will change your beliefs, but you have the option to when you think with an open mind.


Open-mindedness is not just about accepting what other people have to say. It is about questioning what is being said with the understanding that it is possible that this other opinion could be right. By agreeing to an open mind, we admit that we don’t know everything and there are possibilities we may not have considered. Being open-minded allows us to recognize the mistakes we’ve made and also to make new mistakes. We learn that it’s okay to fall and get back up again, experiencing the true benefit from the process of trial and error.


Open-mindedness requires listening, really listening. Being open-minded gives you confidence and strength and helps you to learn and grow. Without an open-mind it’s very hard to build on experiences, and it is through experiences, that you grow.


The principle of WILLINGNESS is a mental attitude that can insure success in recovery. If you are truly willing to escape the impact of addiction, you will do whatever it takes. A willing individual who is serious about recovery, will make it the #1 priority in life. They understand that having a different life requires much effort and these changes don’t occur overnight. A willing individual is prepared to devote however long it takes. You must be a willing participant in your own recovery.
A willing individual will take responsibility for their own recovery and will seek out others to help them. Willingness is participation, action and commitment. Willingness is showing up to recovery and all it entails. Willingness is showing up for ourselves.


With a New Year upon us, these are the questions to ponder as we mover forward in the work of recovery: Are you willing to take this leap of faith? Are you willing to be open-minded; listening and believing that someone else may have an answer you seek? Are you willing to trust the process of recovery? Are you willing to participate, take action and be committed to the process fully understanding that it takes time? 


If you are practicing HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS and WILLINGNESS each and every day, then your life will begin to transform for the better. It really is that simple. This is HOW recovery is possible.

What is “Tough Love” Really About?

What is “Tough Love” Really About?

Since the month of February is often associated with love, I wanted to share with you what I've learned about loving an addict. Early on, when my son was in active addiction, I was often told that "tough love" was needed and that I just needed to "kick him out of the house!". Since then, I've come to know that "tough love" is not about me being tough. It's about having the strength and courage to make the right decision at the right time.


Before coming face to face with my own son's addiction, I was not a  stranger to the family disease of addiction. Although I was away at college and then later married and working during my brother's active addiction, I was often called to my parents’ home for yet another “intervention”. Basically, these interventions consisted of what I called the three T’s: Talk, Tears, and Threats. You see, my family was very much like yours. We all loved an addict and we were trapped on a roller-coaster of painful emotions until each of us had to make an independent decision as to whether or not we were getting off. I remember very well the night I told my parents that I was not to be called to another one of these family meetings. I was done and I wanted off that roller coaster. Of course, I couldn’t understand at the time how tough it was for my parents to do the same.


However, in time, I too found myself in that exact situation and came to fully understand just how tough it is to love an addict.


I’m sure that you’ve also heard the phrase “tough love” and how it may be necessary for you to take action that requires you getting tough, especially as it relates to loving someone with an addiction. Loving an addict is extremely tough, but it’s still love. And when drugs and and alcohol become more important to them than anything else, the love between family members becomes very strained often resulting in broken, fragmented relationships.  In an attempt to deal with this, family members typically turn to a love that actually enables the person to continue bad behavior. Or attempt to protect them or rescue them from the consequences of their choices because it is just too painful to see someone you love in so much pain. You may also have feelings of guilt or confusion. But when you attempt to protect them from their own behavior, you are actually getting in the way to finding a solution to the problem.


We begin to learn that taking on the responsibility of someone else’s problems only weakens them. When someone we love isn’t given the opportunity to suffer the consequences of their actions and learn from his mistakes, they become emotionally crippled and lack the ability to solve or overcome problems on their own. When we can clearly see that enabling, rescuing and denying doesn’t work, we become open to a solution of loving differently.


The toughest part of this kind of love is taking the necessary action to draw a line in the sand and set some firm boundaries or limits on bad behaviors. Obviously, this is a process that gets easier with time. We learn to be firm, but loving in communicating a need for change – now. Also, we gain the tools needed to make some tough decisions when the time comes. I'll never forget the night that I did indeed tell my son that he could no longer live in our house. No yelling or screaming, just a calm, but firm request for him to leave. I'll always look back and be thankful for my courage then as it was a catalyst for getting him into a treatment program.  
Several years later, that same strength and courage surfaced when he was incarcerated with multiple felony charges, all stemming from his choices as he had not yet surrendered the drugs and alcohol. Deep down, he knew he needed help when he became a client at Purple. Like you, I wasn’t about to give up hope that we could find a solution to the problems we were facing.


Thankfully, support group meetings, education, and listening to others had taught me to communicate in a calm, supportive but direct way. Learning to listen, listen, listen was important part of this process. Instead of trying to find what I thought was the solution, I started listening to those who knew much more than I. Ironically, this included learning to give my son my undivided attention, which allowed him to open up and share.


So, it’s not really about getting tough. It’s actually about having the courage to make the right decision at the right time. It’s also about having the courage to change your reactions.

Maintaining the courage to allow natural consequences to occur without intervening is the kind of love that I am talking about. When we understand the true nature of addiction, we can face the truth even when we don’t want to. We open ourselves up to see our own behavior more clearly. With time, we set boundaries with the addict when they ask for something that will only hurt them-or you- further. A phrase I’ve repeated numerous times in my own journey of recovery – Don’t Stand in the Way of his Recovery.


The last thing about this kind of love is actually about loving yourself. It’s so important not to neglect your own needs and emotions. Love yourself enough to talk to someone and get support or help when needed. We say this to our clients all the time. Ask for help. They do not recover alone and neither do we.    

Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments

Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments

Last week, our family group discussed the topic of Letting Go of Expectations. In the Big Book of AA we find where it says: Expectations are Premeditated Resentments. When you find yourself feeling resentment, you can almost always trace it back to your expectations. Usually it indicates that you tried once again to control or manipulate a situation or outcome and was resentful when it didn't turn out the way you expected.
Why is that? First, unrealistic expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration because most people resent any attempts at control or manipulation.

Second, pushing unrealistic expectations can really be a stumbling block to your own personal recovery and therefore, to the client's. 
We have also learned that placing high expectations on someone with a drug/alcohol addiction, may create added pressure and fuel a downward spiral.

There is no "quick fix" in the recovery process - it takes TIME. When all the focus is on the client and not yourself, then resentment sets in when progress is not made in the way you had hoped or expected. 

So, what’s important is to keep all expectations at a realistic level. Keeping expectations realistic and appropriate helps family members to focus on the good things that are happening, instead of having expectations about a future that has not yet arrived.

It’s obvious that most of us have goals for ourselves, and spend a great deal of time trying to get our family members to work toward and achieve goals for themselves. Often times, parents can get really involved in trying to direct their son's goals, instead of allowing him to set his own personal goals.

As family members, the idea is to allow others to grow and change in their own way instead of being caught up in how things “should be”. We learn to accept things as they are and be open to the future rather than trying to create it with expectations.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate way to do that in our life.

Letting Go and Letting God allows each of us the freedom to set our own goals and plans, while allowing our family members to do the same. By allowing them to make their own decisions and experience the consequences of their actions, you are releasing them with love. You are actually saying that you have confidence in them and respect their ability to make decisions. 

Another one of my favorite slogans to keep my expectations in check is:

Happiness = Reality Minus Expectations 

Simply put, when we align our expectations with reality, we are never disappointed. We can't blame people for disappointing us; we can blame ourselves for expecting too much. When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are, instead of what you think they should be.

Through recovery, we learn to accept our powerlessness over trying to control another person's behavior by our expectations. In
the 12-Step recovery process, we learn more about ourselves and the nature of acceptance. As Step 3 says, "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him". Today, we invite you to find true happiness by letting go, letting God. By letting go, we come to realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

The Power of Good Communication

The Power of Good Communication

"Those Who Are Free of Resentment Thoughts, Surely Find Peace" Buddha

 Last week, the Purple Family Group continued the discussion of practicing effective communication. Good communication starts with listening, not listening for the purpose of giving advice, but simply listening. Harboring resentments can also negatively impact effective communication. Resentment is perhaps the most significant emotion in addiction and recovery. The families of addicts often feel resentment toward the addict for causing them to have so many bad experiences and emotions. Several family members shared some of their own personal resentments that are common to most family situations- anger, being lied to, manipulation, stealing, and financial strain were some examples.

 What is the effect of harboring these resentments? Resentment can block a healthy relationship, swallow up our efforts to grow, and rob us of the freedom from blame and guilt that is necessary for recovery. In fact, AA considers resentment “the number one offender” and working the 12 steps is a means of overcoming it.
 
So how do we overcome resentments? You must learn to let go of resentments- not for the person who hurt you or anyone else, but for yourself. Holding on to resentment gives the power to another person. With resentment, doors remain closed. Letting go of them, opens the door for acceptance, better communication, and for a more positive future. By giving up resentments, you can create a new way to live and allow yourself to reclaim responsibility for your own fate.
 
What tool do those in recovery use to let go of resentment? One tool used to let go of resentment is to pray for the person, for their health, happiness and prosperity.  Pray that they may have all in their life that you wish for in your own. Pray this for two weeks or until you can see the person without having that feeling in your gut. 


 Today,strive to let go of a resentment that is holding you back.