Know Your Role

When a family member is addicted, the rest of the family members tend to slip into roles. These roles are "performed" for the safety of the family and to protect each individual from painful truths and actions. Family roles are often difficult to recognize and exceptionally difficult to break out of. Many people carry these roles all of their lives and live then out in school, work and in relationships. Do you see yourself in any of these descriptions?
 

THE ENABLER is the family member who steps in and protects the addict from consequences of his behavior. The motivation for this may not be just to protect the addict, but to prevent embarrassment, reduce anxiety, avoid conflict or maintain some control over a difficult situation. The enabler may try to clean up the messes caused by the addict, makes excuses for him, thus minimizing the consequences of addiction. 

THE HERO is the family member who attempts to draw attention away from the addict by excelling or overachieving with the hope that his/her behavior will help the addict stop using. No matter how bad things get, the hero thinks that the family can look at them and always feel good.  

THE SCAPEGOAT is the person in the family that gets blamed for everything bad that happens in the family. This person creates other problems in order to distract the family from the real issue and thereby allows the addict to continue using. 

THE LOST CHILD is the family member, most often a child, disappears from the scene and ignores the problem completely. Often perceived as the "good child" because much time is spent alone. The lost child does not get involved in family arguments or family discussions. 

THE MASCOT is the family member who attempts to use humor as a means to escape from the pain of the problems caused by addiction. He/she will is the "cute" one or funny one who clowns around, cracks jokes, or makes light of a serious situation and relieves stress or tension by distracting everyone. 

As a family member dealing with addiction, you likely saw yourself in one or more of these descriptions. Although it may be painful, it's important to be aware of your family role and observe how family members try to pull you back into your role. Refuse to play your role! Involving yourself in recovery from co-dependency and enabling will help you define a new, healthier role to play in your family. 

Promises of the Program

The Twelve-Step program was originated by AA in 1937 with promises of serenity and recognition of how our experiences can help others. AA recovery offers the promises of new freedom and happiness, with no regret for the past, only a respectful remembrance of its lessons. At the conclusion of most 12-Step meetings, members say "It works if you work it, so work it, you're WORTH it"! By working the 12 Steps and attending meetings, we slowly come to realize the last promise of AA "that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves". 

"Why do we go to meetings?

Family members readily shared that meetings have given them hope and strength. They have a place to share without judgement, and by attending meetings they find themselves less judgmental and more accepting. When a new person comes in, they recognize growth in themselves and are willing to share to help others. Most importantly, they are not alone. 
What to do when you are faced with a tough situation and need guidance and renewed hope?

Go To A Meeting

I am grateful for the pioneers of AA and the program which offers Twelve Promises of Recovery for our clients and family members. 

Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness

As we move into the new year, Purple would like to share with you what we believe and the Big Book of AA states are the essentials to recovery. The answer to that ageless question “HOW can I find a solution to this problem?” lies in the acronym of H.O.W(Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness). These three principles lay down a solid foundation for recovery, both for the addict in your life and for you.

The principle of HONESTY is the hub of the wheel when it comes to recovery; everything revolves around it.  Without rigorous honesty, recovery simply cannot take place. In the Big Book it states “only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty and genuine humility”.

Being dishonest serves a purpose in the life of an addict and for the family. If the addict stopped lying, they’d have to quit drinking or using drugs and face a shameful pile of hurt they’ve inflicted on the people they love. That’s quite a load to bear, especially for the addict who is complacent about getting sober or who tries to face their past alone. It’s much easier to hide emotions, keep up the double life and continue using. Just as food fuels the body, lies drive addictive thoughts and behaviors. For some, relief from the need to lie is the most attractive aspect of addiction recovery.

For the family members, dishonesty lies mostly in the form of denial. Denial is a mechanism by which we protect ourselves from some threatening awareness about ourselves, someone else, or a situation. Denial clouds one’s ability to recognize the facts or reality of their lives. Most often, it impairs judgment and increases self-delusion. Without honesty, there is no recovery. It requires a valiant effort, but through rigorous honesty, addicts and family members reap a reward that at one time likely seemed utterly impossible: coming to know and love themselves and others, imperfections and all.

The principle of being OPEN-MINDED means being receptive to new and different opinions and ideas. It is a willingness to at least consider that other people have something of value to say. It also means that the individual has enough humility to admit to themselves that they do not have all the answers. Opening up your mind to new ideas allows you the opportunity to change what you think and how you view the world. Now, this doesn't mean you necessarily will change your beliefs, but you have the option to when you think with an open mind.

Open-mindedness is not just about accepting what other people have to say. It is about questioning what is being said with the understanding that it is possible that this other opinion could be right. By agreeing to an open mind, we admit that we don’t know everything and there are possibilities we may not have considered. Being open-minded allows us to recognize the mistakes we’ve made and also to make new mistakes. We learn that it’s okay to fall and get back up again, experiencing the true benefit from the process of trial and error.

Open-mindedness requires listening, really listening. Being open-minded gives you confidence and strength and helps you to learn and grow. Without an open-mind it’s very hard to build on experiences, and it is through experiences, that you grow.

The principle of WILLINGNESS is a mental attitude that can insure success in recovery. If you are truly willing to escape the impact of addiction, you will do whatever it takes. A willing individual who is serious about recovery, will make it the #1 priority in life. They understand that having a different life requires much effort and these changes don’t occur overnight. A willing individual is prepared to devote however long it takes. You must be a willing participant in your own recovery.
A willing individual will take responsibility for their own recovery and will seek out others to help them. Willingness is participation, action and commitment. Willingness is showing up to recovery and all it entails. Willingness is showing up for ourselves.

With a New Year upon us, these are the questions to ponder as we mover forward in the work of recovery: Are you willing to take this leap of faith? Are you willing to be open-minded; listening and believing that someone else may have an answer you seek? Are you willing to trust the process of recovery? Are you willing to participate, take action and be committed to the process fully understanding that it takes time? 

If you are practicing HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS and WILLINGNESS each and every day, then your life will begin to transform for the better. It really is that simple. This is HOW recovery is possible.

What is “Tough Love” Really About?

Since the month of February is often associated with love, I wanted to share with you what I've learned about loving an addict. Early on, when my son was in active addiction, I was often told that "tough love" was needed and that I just needed to "kick him out of the house!". Since then, I've come to know that "tough love" is not about me being tough. It's about having the strength and courage to make the right decision at the right time.

Before coming face to face with my own son's addiction, I was not a  stranger to the family disease of addiction. Although I was away at college and then later married and working during my brother's active addiction, I was often called to my parents’ home for yet another “intervention”. Basically, these interventions consisted of what I called the three T’s: Talk, Tears, and Threats. You see, my family was very much like yours. We all loved an addict and we were trapped on a roller-coaster of painful emotions until each of us had to make an independent decision as to whether or not we were getting off. I remember very well the night I told my parents that I was not to be called to another one of these family meetings. I was done and I wanted off that roller coaster. Of course, I couldn’t understand at the time how tough it was for my parents to do the same.

However, in time, I too found myself in that exact situation and came to fully understand just how tough it is to love an addict.

I’m sure that you’ve also heard the phrase “tough love” and how it may be necessary for you to take action that requires you getting tough, especially as it relates to loving someone with an addiction. Loving an addict is extremely tough, but it’s still love. And when drugs and and alcohol become more important to them than anything else, the love between family members becomes very strained often resulting in broken, fragmented relationships.  In an attempt to deal with this, family members typically turn to a love that actually enables the person to continue bad behavior. Or attempt to protect them or rescue them from the consequences of their choices because it is just too painful to see someone you love in so much pain. You may also have feelings of guilt or confusion. But when you attempt to protect them from their own behavior, you are actually getting in the way to finding a solution to the problem.

We begin to learn that taking on the responsibility of someone else’s problems only weakens them. When someone we love isn’t given the opportunity to suffer the consequences of their actions and learn from his mistakes, they become emotionally crippled and lack the ability to solve or overcome problems on their own. When we can clearly see that enabling, rescuing and denying doesn’t work, we become open to a solution of loving differently.

The toughest part of this kind of love is taking the necessary action to draw a line in the sand and set some firm boundaries or limits on bad behaviors. This is a process that gets easier with time. We learn to be firm, but loving in communicating a need for change – now. Also, we gain the tools needed to make some tough decisions when the time comes. I'll never forget the night that I did indeed tell my son that he could no longer live in our house. No yelling or screaming, just a calm, but firm request for him to leave. I'll always look back and be thankful for my courage then as it was a catalyst for getting him into a treatment program.

Several years later, that same strength and courage surfaced when he was incarcerated with multiple felony charges, all stemming from his choices as he had not yet surrendered the drugs and alcohol. Deep down, he knew he needed help when he became a client at Purple. Like you, I wasn’t about to give up hope that we could find a solution to the problems we were facing.

Thankfully, support group meetings, education, and listening to others taught me to communicate in a calm, supportive but direct way. Learning to listen, listen, listen was an important part of this process. Instead of trying to find what I thought was the solution, I started listening to those who knew much more than I. Ironically, this included learning to give my son my undivided attention, which allowed him to open up and share.

So, it’s not really about getting tough. It’s actually about having the courage to make the right decision at the right time. It’s also about having the courage to change your reactions.

Maintaining the courage to allow natural consequences to occur without intervening is the kind of love that I am talking about. When we understand the true nature of addiction, we can face the truth even when we don’t want to. We open ourselves up to see our behavior more clearly. With time, we set boundaries with the addict when they ask for something that will only hurt them - further. A phrase I’ve repeated numerous times in my journey of recovery – Don’t Stand in the Way of his Recovery.

The last thing about this kind of love is actually about loving yourself. It’s so important not to neglect your own needs and emotions. Love yourself enough to talk to someone and get support or help when needed. We say this to our clients all the time. Ask for help. They do not recover alone and neither do we.    

Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments

Last week, our family group discussed the topic of Letting Go of Expectations. In the Big Book of AA we find where it says: Expectations are Premeditated Resentments. When you find yourself feeling resentment, you can almost always trace it back to your expectations. Usually it indicates that you tried once again to control or manipulate a situation or outcome and was resentful when it didn't turn out the way you expected.
Why is that? First, unrealistic expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration because most people resent any attempts at control or manipulation.

Second, pushing unrealistic expectations can really be a stumbling block to your own personal recovery and therefore, to the client's. We have also learned that placing high expectations on someone with a drug/alcohol addiction, may create added pressure and fuel a downward spiral.

There is no "quick fix" in the recovery process - it takes TIME. When all the focus is on the client and not yourself, then resentment sets in when progress is not made in the way you had hoped or expected. 

So, what’s important is to keep all expectations at a realistic level. Keeping expectations realistic and appropriate helps family members to focus on the good things that are happening, instead of having expectations about a future that has not yet arrived.

It’s obvious that most of us have goals for ourselves, and spend a great deal of time trying to get our family members to work toward and achieve goals for themselves. Often times, parents can get really involved in trying to direct their son's goals, instead of allowing him to set his own personal goals.

As family members, the idea is to allow others to grow and change in their own way instead of being caught up in how things “should be”. We learn to accept things as they are and be open to the future rather than trying to create it with expectations.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate way to do that in our life.

Letting Go and Letting God allows each of us the freedom to set our own goals and plans, while allowing our family members to do the same. By allowing them to make their own decisions and experience the consequences of their actions, you are releasing them with love. You are actually saying that you have confidence in them and respect their ability to make decisions. 

Another one of my favorite slogans to keep my expectations in check is:

Happiness = Reality Minus Expectations 

Simply put, when we align our expectations with reality, we are never disappointed. We can't blame people for disappointing us; we can blame ourselves for expecting too much. When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are, instead of what you think they should be.

Through recovery, we learn to accept our powerlessness over trying to control another person's behavior by our expectations. In the 12-Step recovery process, we learn more about ourselves and the nature of acceptance. As Step 3 says, "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him". Today, we invite you to find true happiness by letting go, letting God. By letting go, we come to realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

Purple Recovery champions the path to transformation and healing, specifically curated for men seeking to reclaim their lives from addiction. Our philosophy is deeply rooted in understanding the distinct journey men face in recovery. Emphasizing strength, resilience, and personalized care, Purple Recovery extends an invitation to those ready to embark on this life-changing journey.

Take the decisive step towards renewal and empowerment by reaching out to Purple Recovery to discover more about our rehab for men. With Purple Recovery, the journey to sobriety is not just a path to wellness; it's a new lease on life, tailor-made for men.

The Power of Good Communication

"Those Who Are Free of Resentment Thoughts, Surely Find Peace" Buddha

 Last week, the Purple Family Group continued the discussion of practicing effective communication. Good communication starts with listening, not listening to give advice, but simply listening. Harboring resentments can also negatively impact effective communication. Resentment is perhaps the most significant emotion in addiction and recovery. The families of addicts often feel resentment toward the addict causing them to have so many bad experiences and emotions. Several family members shared some of their resentments that are common to most family situations- anger, being lied to, manipulation, stealing, and financial strain were some examples.

 What is the effect of harboring these resentments? Resentment can block a healthy relationship, swallow up our efforts to grow, and rob us of the freedom from blame and guilt that is necessary for recovery. AA considers resentment “the number one offender” and working the 12 steps is a means of overcoming it.
 
So how do we overcome resentments? You must learn to let go of resentments- not for the person who hurt you or anyone else, but for yourself. Holding on to resentment gives the power to another person. With resentment, doors remain closed. Letting go of them, opens the door for acceptance, better communication, and for a more positive future. By giving up resentments, you can create a new way to live and allow yourself to reclaim responsibility for your own fate.
 
What tool do those in recovery use to let go of resentment? One tool used to let go of resentment is to pray for the person, for their health, happiness and prosperity.  Pray that they may have all in their life that you wish for in your own. Pray for two weeks or until you can see the person without having that feeling in your gut. 

 Today, strive to let go of a resentment that is holding you back. 

Willingness to Change

Through the 12 Steps and Principles Behind Them  

Often in the midst of the chaos of drug use, the dreams you have for your loved one can seem far away. Sometimes, it's difficult to find hope that life will really ever get better. By incorporating the Principles of the 12 Steps into our daily lives and "walk the walk" of recovery, we can rebuild our lives as we recover from the impact of addiction. 

These principles give us a spiritual program with one major focus - human transformation. Through the discovery of a higher power and an honest and thorough look at patterns that have caused disruption, transformation begins. 

Steps 1-3 leads us to powerlessness and acceptance of our problem, hope in a higher power for a solution, and faith in that higher power that comes with persistence and application of recovery tools. 

Steps 4-9 with courage and willingness allows the higher power to operate in our lives once we remove the obstacles that block the recovery process. With humility and forgiveness, we forgive ourselves and let go of the shame and guilt.

Steps 11-12 is where we maintain or strengthen our spirituality. We practice new ways of thinking and acting that opens us up to the higher power with gratitude and a willingness to be of service to others. 

These simple actions you can practice each and every day to improve the quality of your life. The process isn't complicated. It simply requires the willingness to change and the courage to ask for help. 

Daily Gratitude For Sober Living

 

By Bo Howell

In sobriety and recovery, we often refer to the spiritual “tool kit” when we refer to all of the suggested actions and practices that we have found effective in helping us to live and face life and its challenges successfully.  In the spiritual tool kit, I would have to say that Gratitude is perhaps the Phillips head screwdriver. It’s simple, effective, and required often.

 In my first 12 step meeting, I remember the leader sharing something that sticks with me to this day. He said, “the enemy of sobriety is negative thinking.” As a matter of fact, the root of addiction itself is in negative, fear-based obsessive thinking. If not challenged and actively addressed using the tool kit, this untreated thinking will undoubtedly lead the sufferer to seek relief via substances.

 One of the best definitions of gratitude is “an acknowledgement of a benefit that an individual has received.” However, the addict or alcoholic, whose perspective is often entirely negative and discontented, is only able to perceive circumstances in their lives negatively, and without constant daily efforts to connect with the truth of the benefits they have received, they will stay in the painful place of taking good things for granted and keeping tally of all of the perceived wrongs. If out of a 1000 things, 999 are positive blessings, the unwell addict will only be able to focus on the 1 thing that didn’t go as they thought it should. In the active addict’s world, nothing is ever good enough. This is only worsened when he inaccurately compares himself to those whom he is certain have been more fortunate, which triggers a deep sense of self-pity and shame.

The best medicine for this self-centered lack of perspective is the daily practice of gratitude. Some of the best advice most of us ever got was when we were very young. “Count your blessings,” they told us. And for his very survival and ultimately happiness, the addict needs to practice this diligently. Thankfulness is a muscle. The more it is exercised, the stronger it becomes. When connecting with the positive benefits we have received, we are automatically practicing positive thinking. The negative thinking an addict engages in is never accurate. Daily gratitude is the connecting with the truth of the blessings in our lives. Whether it’s a daily gratitude journal or list, or an action of service based upon the awareness of our fortune, or a deep mindful meditation of gratitude, we’ve found a little often goes a long way. Connecting with the truth and its underlying power is the beginning of hope, sanity and healing from the pernicious disease of addiction.

"YOU alone cannot; WE together can"

A FEW MOMENTS WITH BO:  

Addiction is a disease that thrives on isolation. Be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual (and typically it’s a combination of all of these forms) this isolation- if not interrupted- is crippling and ultimately lethal for an addict or alcoholic. One of, if not the most outstanding qualities of someone who has crossed the point of no return in addiction, is the inability to remain sober without some supportive network of people to aid in the ongoing recovery process. What we’ve seen work best at keeping addicted people sober is when recovering people form a tight knit community amongst themselves, interacting regularly, intensively, honestly and lovingly. Even if addicts aren’t perhaps sold on recovery or ambivalent about sobriety, they tend to improve and get better when surrounded by and connected to other active, sober individuals.

In fact, the main of reason I joined the staff at Purple, as a certified Addiction Counselor, a few months ago, is that I believe, at its best, Purple provides as good a recovery environment for young men as I have seen in my eight years in the addiction treatment world. Addiction and alcoholism are dire afflictions that tend to consume many lives. Some cases are too severe and all treatment efforts end up being unsuccessful, but as we have experienced up to this point the most effective medicine for this disease is what we practice and believe here in our work with the men of Purple. Isolation and loneliness can be supplanted by fellowship, brotherhood, and union. Furthermore a sense of belonging can replace the addict’s long-held belief that they were doomed to be misunderstood and alone. Unfortunately, not every case goes this way, but we see dramatic returns to health and vitality occurring on a regular basis.

So the suffering addict or alcoholic gets support, but what about the family members and loved ones who have been deeply afflicted by this ruinous and dark malady as well? They are typically no less isolated, lonely, confused, and hurt than the addicted person themselves, but what can be done to help in these situations? Again, what we have overwhelmingly found works best is a shift from isolation to connection. The good news is that the possibilities for family members of recovering folks to find support and community have grown in recent years, be it AlAnon, Families Anonymous, religious or faith-based support groups, on-line groups, etc. In the same way the drug- addicted person gets better when regularly connecting with peers, the same is also true for suffering family members. Families ravaged by years of attempting to deal with a growing forest fire of addiction are well aware of the many unique problems, fears, pains, and embarrassing situations these devastating issues can bring about. Nothing we’ve found imparts precious hope in these situations like listening and relating to other people’s similar struggles and solutions.

This is why I love what Donna, Adam, Brett and Joel do here at Purple with the family workshops and programs. If you have not attended one of these sessions, I would encourage you to give it a try. We find them to be very helpful and positive and would love to see you there!

Michael & Donna's Comprehensive Substance Abuse Assessments

When a family member is using drugs, it affects the entire family making it difficult to confront the drug user. In our assessment process Donna Gunter meets with family members to assess the their readiness to change. Michael Whatley will simultaneously meet with the drug user, assessing their substance use, his/her readiness to change, and obtain a biopsychosocial. Then, everyone will meet together and an appropriate treatment recommendation will be made for the family.

Michael managed the adolescent addiction program at Ridgeview Institute from 2012-2017 where he assessed psychiatric/addicted patients and made appropriate treatment recommendations. He has tuned his ability to help people feel comfortable/trust him with their difficulties in life by being warm, authentic and transparent. Working at Ridgeview Institute He gained a vast knowledge of treatment resources for addicted patients making me confident in helping families find appropriate referrals.

Donna Gunter was educated at The University of Georgia and began a teaching career in the late 70's. When confronted by her own sons's substance abuse problem in the early 2000's she began her personal journey of helping other families. Her final years as a Gwinnett County educator were spent in the counseling office at Brookwood High School. For the last decade she has been committed to helping families find solutions to their child's substance abuse problem. 

Family and 12 Step Recovery

One of the biggest challenges to family recovery is the belief that everything will be okay if they can just "fix" the addict. After all, "he's the one who needs help, not me!" In 12 step recovery, the first step involves a willingness to admit powerlessness and unmanageability. Most family members understand that the addict must accept that the major problems in his life come from the result of getting high and drinking. They also understand that he will not change until his addiction is addressed and treated. What they don’t always understand is that they need to work a program of recovery too. However, the bottom line is - recovery from addiction is a family affair. 

Addiction is called a family disease because it stresses the entire family unit to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the home, and the overall family dynamics. Addiction in the family strains relationships and people become anxious, mistrustful, tired and often times, left feeling hopeless. But, with help and support, family recovery has become a reality for millions!! 

So, why do YOU need a 12 Step recovery program? When you also are willing to surrender to the idea that continuing along the path you’ve been on will only result in more pain, recovery begins. Through recovery, the family member is able to change course and focus on his/her own happiness and peace of mind. Through the discovery of a Higher Power and an honest and thorough examination of patterns that have caused disruption, transformation begins. It isn’t a complicated process. It simply requires willingness, the courage to ask for help, and a commitment to the process. The reality is: We must ask the same of ourselves, as we do the addict.