Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Time and again, family members come into Purple seeking help for a client whose life has spiraled out of control and has put tremendous stress and pressure on the family. These tired, weary and scared families typically convey the same general message, "We've tried everything and nothing has worked, so it's time for something to change". Without knowing anything different, the family refers to the client as that "something" that needs changing; not realizing that they too need to change. 

While it is true that the client will need to work hard to change his life, the reality is family members need to work also to embrace the process of change. Why? You
see, an old adage, "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes" is often used to describe families that can't seem to get off the roller coaster ride that the addictive behavior of someone they love has put them on. They plunge forward with the false belief that "one more try and I'll get control of this situation", eventually leaving them more exhausted, frustrated, hopeless and angry. They know they need to get off the roller coaster, but simply do not know how. 

Connection is the Cure to Addiction

Amber Hollingworth, a Master Addiction Counselor from Hope for Families, presented an engaging lecture which addressed some of the underlying conditions that make a person more vulnerable to developing an addiction. From the brain perspective, there is the down regulation of several important brain chemicals(endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin) and people often use substances to make up for these deficits in neurochemicals, especially when they experience some sudden loss, like death, divorce, major injury, loss of dream, etc. The substance abuse often progresses to addiction, where disconnections with others often follow. Without connection, the disease will continue to progress as all humans are made to connect with each other.

In treatment, the best way to help heal these deficits is to help clients reconnect with others. With new, positive connections, the brain chemicals naturally begin to rebalance making it easier for the individual to address their depression, anxiety, trauma, ADD, or grief. Addressing these things helps to jump start and strengthen the recovery process and maintain sobriety. Luckily, when people engage in recovery programs, support groups, and treatment, this natural process almost immediately begins to help heal the brain. The connection to others is a major change factor! Thus the reason that addiction treatment centers around group therapy and 12-step meeting attendance. It is the process of engaging in these groups that is healing the client.

Amber also provided a different perspective on “tough love.” Instead of pushing the person out of their lives until they “learn their lesson,” she showed how healthy connection is more effective in supporting change. It is true that sometimes family and friends need to distance themselves for their own emotional safety, but the idea of instituting a withdrawal of love as a technique that would make the addict get clean simply doesn’t work.

Dysfunctional Families versus Nurturing Families

Our last family group took at look at what defines a "dysfunctional" family as compared to a healthy, nurturing one. Active addiction takes a toil on all families and often the family unit becomes fragmented, characterized by dishonesty, denial, and a general lack of respect and trust placing the family into turmoil.

In recovery, we seek to gain back a nurturing family where positive communication is the hub of the wheel. Families are free to talk about feelings, or any subject, in a relaxed atmosphere that promotes growth and encourages individual differences. 

The reality is that most families face addiction without the knowledge and understanding that we gain through recovery. Therefore, reactions are generally from a place of misunderstanding, but most are out of concern, love, and usually desperation, which can easily be viewed as dysfunctional. Dysfunctional can have a negative connotation, so our group consensus is that generally speaking, families do the best they can at the time, on the information they have.

In recovery, we can let go of that label of dysfunctional, and give credit for the many things that we all try to constantly improve in order to be healthier, whole, and nurturing families again! 

Daily Gratitude For Sober Living

 

By Bo Howell

In sobriety and recovery, we often refer to the spiritual “tool kit” when we refer to all of the suggested actions and practices that we have found effective in helping us to live and face life and its challenges successfully.  In the spiritual tool kit, I would have to say that Gratitude is perhaps the Phillips head screwdriver. It’s simple, effective, and required often.

 In my first 12 step meeting, I remember the leader sharing something that sticks with me to this day. He said, “the enemy of sobriety is negative thinking.” As a matter of fact, the root of addiction itself is in negative, fear-based obsessive thinking. If not challenged and actively addressed using the tool kit, this untreated thinking will undoubtedly lead the sufferer to seek relief via substances.

 One of the best definitions of gratitude is “an acknowledgement of a benefit that an individual has received.” However, the addict or alcoholic, whose perspective is often entirely negative and discontented, is only able to perceive circumstances in their lives negatively, and without constant daily efforts to connect with the truth of the benefits they have received, they will stay in the painful place of taking good things for granted and keeping tally of all of the perceived wrongs. If out of a 1000 things, 999 are positive blessings, the unwell addict will only be able to focus on the 1 thing that didn’t go as they thought it should. In the active addict’s world, nothing is ever good enough. This is only worsened when he inaccurately compares himself to those whom he is certain have been more fortunate, which triggers a deep sense of self-pity and shame.

The best medicine for this self-centered lack of perspective is the daily practice of gratitude. Some of the best advice most of us ever got was when we were very young. “Count your blessings,” they told us. And for his very survival and ultimately happiness, the addict needs to practice this diligently. Thankfulness is a muscle. The more it is exercised, the stronger it becomes. When connecting with the positive benefits we have received, we are automatically practicing positive thinking. The negative thinking an addict engages in is never accurate. Daily gratitude is the connecting with the truth of the blessings in our lives. Whether it’s a daily gratitude journal or list, or an action of service based upon the awareness of our fortune, or a deep mindful meditation of gratitude, we’ve found a little often goes a long way. Connecting with the truth and its underlying power is the beginning of hope, sanity and healing from the pernicious disease of addiction.

"YOU alone cannot; WE together can"

A FEW MOMENTS WITH BO:  

Addiction is a disease that thrives on isolation. Be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual (and typically it’s a combination of all of these forms) this isolation- if not interrupted- is crippling and ultimately lethal for an addict or alcoholic. One of, if not the most outstanding qualities of someone who has crossed the point of no return in addiction, is the inability to remain sober without some supportive network of people to aid in the ongoing recovery process. What we’ve seen work best at keeping addicted people sober is when recovering people form a tight knit community amongst themselves, interacting regularly, intensively, honestly and lovingly. Even if addicts aren’t perhaps sold on recovery or ambivalent about sobriety, they tend to improve and get better when surrounded by and connected to other active, sober individuals.

In fact, the main of reason I joined the staff at Purple, as a certified Addiction Counselor, a few months ago, is that I believe, at its best, Purple provides as good a recovery environment for young men as I have seen in my eight years in the addiction treatment world. Addiction and alcoholism are dire afflictions that tend to consume many lives. Some cases are too severe and all treatment efforts end up being unsuccessful, but as we have experienced up to this point the most effective medicine for this disease is what we practice and believe here in our work with the men of Purple. Isolation and loneliness can be supplanted by fellowship, brotherhood, and union. Furthermore a sense of belonging can replace the addict’s long-held belief that they were doomed to be misunderstood and alone. Unfortunately, not every case goes this way, but we see dramatic returns to health and vitality occurring on a regular basis.

So the suffering addict or alcoholic gets support, but what about the family members and loved ones who have been deeply afflicted by this ruinous and dark malady as well? They are typically no less isolated, lonely, confused, and hurt than the addicted person themselves, but what can be done to help in these situations? Again, what we have overwhelmingly found works best is a shift from isolation to connection. The good news is that the possibilities for family members of recovering folks to find support and community have grown in recent years, be it AlAnon, Families Anonymous, religious or faith-based support groups, on-line groups, etc. In the same way the drug- addicted person gets better when regularly connecting with peers, the same is also true for suffering family members. Families ravaged by years of attempting to deal with a growing forest fire of addiction are well aware of the many unique problems, fears, pains, and embarrassing situations these devastating issues can bring about. Nothing we’ve found imparts precious hope in these situations like listening and relating to other people’s similar struggles and solutions.

This is why I love what Donna, Adam, Brett and Joel do here at Purple with the family workshops and programs. If you have not attended one of these sessions, I would encourage you to give it a try. We find them to be very helpful and positive and would love to see you there!

Family and 12 Step Recovery

One of the biggest challenges to family recovery is the belief that everything will be okay if they can just "fix" the addict. After all, "he's the one who needs help, not me!" In 12 step recovery, the first step involves a willingness to admit powerlessness and unmanageability. Most family members understand that the addict must accept that the major problems in his life come from the result of getting high and drinking. They also understand that he will not change until his addiction is addressed and treated. What they don’t always understand is that they need to work a program of recovery too. However, the bottom line is - recovery from addiction is a family affair. 

Addiction is called a family disease because it stresses the entire family unit to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the home, and the overall family dynamics. Addiction in the family strains relationships and people become anxious, mistrustful, tired and often times, left feeling hopeless. But, with help and support, family recovery has become a reality for millions!! 

So, why do YOU need a 12 Step recovery program? When you also are willing to surrender to the idea that continuing along the path you’ve been on will only result in more pain, recovery begins. Through recovery, the family member is able to change course and focus on his/her own happiness and peace of mind. Through the discovery of a Higher Power and an honest and thorough examination of patterns that have caused disruption, transformation begins. It isn’t a complicated process. It simply requires willingness, the courage to ask for help, and a commitment to the process. The reality is: We must ask the same of ourselves, as we do the addict.