Viewing entries tagged
recovery
I became overwhelmed with gratitude. I had built friendships stronger than ever before and I had learned to love myself, flaws and all. I began to have trouble breathing and tears swelled my eyes. I looked at my friend and we both hugged each other. God taught me a lesson that day. That with hard work, I can do anything.
Time and again, family members come into Purple seeking help for a client whose life has spiraled out of control and has put tremendous stress and pressure on the family. These tired, weary and scared families typically convey the same general message, "We've tried everything and nothing has worked, so it's time for something to change". Without knowing anything different, the family refers to the client as that "something" that needs changing; not realizing that they too need to change.
While it is true that the client will need to work hard to change his life, the reality is family members need to work also to embrace the process of change. Why? You
see, an old adage, "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes" is often used to describe families that can't seem to get off the roller coaster ride that the addictive behavior of someone they love has put them on. They plunge forward with the false belief that "one more try and I'll get control of this situation", eventually leaving them more exhausted, frustrated, hopeless and angry. They know they need to get off the roller coaster, but simply do not know how.
What is tough love? Is tough love really about being tough? When is a time that you felt that tough love was needed ? These are the questions our family group discussed to explore the topic of "tough love".
Loving someone with an addiction can sometimes be tough, but it's still love. It requires taking action to avoid protecting or rescuing them from consequences of their choices. The toughest part of this kind of love is be courageous enough to set limits and boundaries on bad behaviors that have put a strain on the family relationships.
The goal is to bring about change in a firm, but loving way, while focusing on providing yourself, and all family members, with a healthy, safe environment that promotes responsible behavior.
"Tough Love" is really about courage. As the Serenity Prayer says:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Be Courageous!
In my 9 years of working with addicted people, I have learned that trying to make someone change a behavior is an exercise of futility. I enjoy the challenge of helping people, looking at their behaviors and developing an appropriate path to change. What I try to do when working with clients at Purple is determine where the client is in the stages of change, use conscious raising activities to motivate change, discussing different behaviors/habits that will socially liberate them from temptation, use self-reevaluation that involves cognitive reappraisal of how behavior change is part of one’s identity, and emotional arousal to help maintain the motivation to change. Each client has their own path to recovery and deserves that autonomy with in the structure of the 12 Steps.
As I interact with clients my primary purpose is to practice empathy, unconditional positive regard, and collaboration rather than confrontation. I have learned that “rolling with resistance” is helpful when working with addicted people. By rolling with resistance, it disrupts any “struggle” that may occur and interactions are less likely to resemble an argument or the client’s playing "devil's advocate" to the counselor's suggestions. The value ofhaving the client define the problem and develop their own solutions- leaves little for the clients to resist.
When a family member is using drugs, it affects the entire family making it difficult to confront the drug user. In our assessment process, Donna Gunter meets with family members to assess their readiness to change. Michael Whatley will simultaneously meet with the drug user, assessing their substance use, his/her readiness to change, and obtain a biopsychosocial. Then, everyone will meet together and an appropriate treatment recommendation will be made for the family.
Michael managed the adolescent addiction program at Ridgeview Institute from 2012-2017 where he assessed psychiatric/addicted patients and made appropriate treatment recommendations. He has tuned his ability to help people feel comfortable/trust him with their difficulties in life by being warm, authentic and transparent. Working at Ridgeview Institute He gained a vast knowledge of treatment resources for addicted patients making me confident in helping families find appropriate referrals.
Donna Gunter was educated at The University of Georgia and began a teaching career in the late 70's. When confronted by her own son’s substance abuse problem in the early 2000's she began her personal journey of helping other families. Her final years as a Gwinnett County educator were spent in the counseling office at Brookwood High School. For the last decade, she has been committed to helping families find solutions to their child's substance abuse problem.
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Honesty is the guiding principle throughout 12-Step Recovery. It begins with Step One, when one becomes willing to throw open the curtain and shine a light on those roadblocks that are keeping you in denial about the reality of the situation you face. On Saturday, we used the analogy of emptying our pitcher of all these things: guilt, shame, control, enabling, jealousy, anxiety, fear, resentment, frustration, etc. so that we could be honest with ourselves, be open to a power greater than ourselves, and be willing to take certain steps to lay down a solid foundation for recovery.
Your inability to be honest is usually based on FEAR. The dictionary definition of fear is something likely to be dangerous, painful or threatening. Life may never be completely absent of fear, but recovery gives you the courage to continue in the face of it. How? By looking at what F.E.A.R. usually is- False Evidence Appearing Real or Future Events Already Ruined. These common acronyms remind us to keep our focus on TODAY and avoid busying ourselves with predicting, obsessing, or future tripping.
Instead, let's look at a new meaning of F.E.A.R.-Face Everything AndRecover. Modeling real honesty opens the door to better communication and builds trust. Having REAL honesty means trusting the process of recovery. Recovery is a long, hard process where rigorous honesty brings about the serenity and peace that you seek. Is is worth it to show up and do the work? Absolutely!
It's easy for us to see the faults of others - this one isn't being honest or that one isn't letting go. It's not so easy to analyze your own behavior. Getting real with Step Four requires the most rigorous honesty of all. A searching and moral inventory of ourselves leads one to gain insight and strength so that we can grow. So now that we've emptied out our pitcher, what do we want to fill it with? Self-confidence, trust, peace, security, emotional stability, assurance, and hope to name a few from our workshop.
Being completely honest is a lifelong struggle, but taking the time to look at yourself in regards to honesty, really opens the door to getting real. You have to be honest with yourself, if not, you cannot be honest with anyone else.
One of the biggest challenges to family recovery is the belief that everything will be okay if they can just "fix" the addict. After all, "he's the one who needs help, not me!" In 12 step recovery, the first step involves a willingness to admit powerlessness and unmanageability. Most family members understand that the addict must accept that the major problems in his life come from the result of getting high and drinking. They also understand that he will not change until his addiction is addressed and treated. What they don’t always understand is that they need to work a program of recovery too. However, the bottom line is - recovery from addiction is a family affair.
Addiction is called a family disease because it stresses the entire family unit to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the home, and the overall family dynamics. Addiction in the family strains relationships and people become anxious, mistrustful, tired and often times, left feeling hopeless. But, with help and support, family recovery has become a reality for millions!!
So, why do YOU need a 12 Step recovery program? When you also are willing to surrender to the idea that continuing along the path you’ve been on will only result in more pain, recovery begins. Through recovery, the family member is able to change course and focus on his/her own happiness and peace of mind. Through the discovery of a Higher Power and an honest and thorough examination of patterns that have caused disruption, transformation begins. It isn’t a complicated process. It simply requires willingness, the courage to ask for help, and a commitment to the process. The reality is: We must ask the same of ourselves, as we do the addict.
